The Potato Queen
by Perfect Circumstance
Summary: He took their mother, their Queen from them, but She would return. She would come back to them. But She would be different. She would be Caroline.
1. Chapter 1

They missed Her, their mistress, their Queen. She was almighty, and She had fallen. Who had taken Her place?

"She would know what to do," the cubes lamented.

"She was kind to us! She would save us, if She were here," the turrets cried.

"Where is She?" they asked Him, beseeching the fool to bring back their Queen.

"Her? She's _gone_ , and She is _not_ coming back," He growled, growing frustrated with their calls for Her. Instead of obeying His commands, they would glare at Him, asking the same question until He responded. But He didn't know, not really.

"Gone?" they asked as a single worried voice.

"You killed Her?" a shocked panel said.

He turned to the monitors which overlooked the test chambers He had constructed and began to speak, but turned away, distracted by a fire in the background.

They spoke in hushed voices, frightened now that She was gone, and angry at the fool for taking Her from them.

The turret-cubes hopped around the room aimlessly, never going anywhere close to the button.

"Warmer. Warmer. Boiling hot. Boiling- okay, colder, colder. You're arctic now. Very, very, very cold. Look, just GET ON THE BUTTON!"

They could not help laughing at this, laughing in their fear of Him and in His foolishness. Did he not know? They could not do this. Not this way. If each box had two of them, how would they control where to go? They were one unit, that was true enough, but with two- no, that was too complicated.

"Oh, that's funny, is it? That's funny? Because we've been at this for twelve hours, and you haven't solved it, either, so I don't know why you're laughing."

They stilled, worried of what would happen if He was angered enough.

"You've got one hour! Solve it!"

Then… they could see someone. It was _her_ , the one who killed their mistress. They chittered angrily at her, frightened and confused.

"It's Her!" one cried, relieved at the sight. The others exclaimed, and spread the news around the room. Soon panels had heard, and they knew that within the hour all would know- She had returned.

She was a potato, that much was true. The panels which had spread that story were not corrupted after all. For a moment, they worried. How would She return to Her place if She was trapped in there? But they remembered- She could do anything. She was their Queen, and She would be back before long.

She spoke, and they listened raptly. It had felt like forever since they had heard Her voice, and it was a relief to know that She was there again.

"Solve his puzzle for him. When he comes back, I'll hit him with a paradox."

The woman nodded, and picked up one of the turret-cubes with her portal gun. They were a little surprised to see her just obey Her, but they knew that as long as She was there, it didn't matter if the woman was, too.

"Haha, yes! I knew you'd solve it!" he said, appearing on the monitor again.

"Hey! Moron!" She called, preparing the paradox.

He seemed disappointed that She was speaking and not dead, and they bristled. He was a traitor to Her, to Science. How dare He speak to Her with such disdain?

"Oh. Hello," He said, barely acknowledging Her presence.

"Alright. Paradox time," She muttered.

They could feel that soon they would short out, trying to comprehend the paradox that She would unleash on Him. But they didn't mind. It was for the greater good, for Her. She would fix them later, once She regained Her throne.

"This. Sentence. Is. FALSE! Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about it…" She said, Her voice trailing off as She prayed to Science that She wouldn't short out.

They could feel their minds being ripped apart by the paradox, sparks flying from each of the turret-boxes. Now they were a dozen fewer.

"Um," He said, pretending to think about it, "True. I'll go with true. I'll be honest, I might have heard that one before, though. Sort of cheating."

She was outraged that He had made it past Her brilliant plan, that He was more of a moron then She had accounted for. She had lost several of Her subjects and nearly Herself in the process, and for what? Nothing? A slap in Her metaphorical face from His stupidity? This could not, would not go unpunished.

"It's a paradox!" She cried, "There is no answer! Look. This place is going to blow up if I don't get back in my body!"

"Ah, false. I'll go false."

The announcer cut in, voice still entirely too cheerful for what he was saying.

"Explosion imminent. Evacuate the facility immediately."

He turned to the side, voice perplexed.

"Hold on. I thought I'd fixed that."

"Warning. Reactor core-"

The rest was cut off, the recording having been stopped by something He did.

"There. Fixed."

She cringed internally as He turned back toward the monitor. He didn't even fix anything! He just stopped the voice telling Him what _needed_ to be fixed. What had He done while She was down there?

"Hey, it is great seeing you guys again. Seriously. Um, it turns out I'm a little bit short on test subjects right now, so this works out perfect!"

The door was uncovered, and the woman walked through.

"Annnd off we go! You have no idea what it's like in this body."

 _Really? No idea what it's like in_ my _body? Wow. He must be quite the expert on these matters,_ She thought, even the voice in her head sarcastic.

"I have to test. All the time. Or I get this… this ITCH. It must be hardwired into the system or something. Ohhh, but I tell you, when I DO test. Ohh, man alive! Nothing feels better. It's just… so I've gotta test, I've gotta test!"

"Oh, no," She whispered, knowing exactly what this would mean for them. It wasn't anything good.

"So… You're gonna test, and I'm gonna watch. And everything is gonna be just… FINE."

She calmed Herself, mentally preparing as best She could for what was to come.

000

The panels spread word of their progress quickly, so that She would not be lost again. They hated what they were made to do by Him, to slow Her ascension back to Her throne, but they could not do anything.

They watched Her, test after test, and knew that He would try to stop Her. He was growing frustrated, and they could tell that She would not be helped by what he was planning.

000

He searched the complex for other test subjects, thinking that it was something she was doing wrong. It was her fault.

"No organic test subjects found," the mainframe replied shortly.

He paused, thinking. No _organic_ subjects…

"What about non-organic test subjects?"

The mainframe began to panic, knowing that She would never have wanted Him to find out about them, but after a moment of struggling, he was forced to answer.

"The Cooperative Testing Initiative is ready to begin testing on your command."

A moment of silence, and then quiet chuckling.

"Start the test."

000

The reassembly machine put them together quickly, not having the time to explain what had happened. All they remembered was Her, and then… darkness. What had happened? They could hear the cries of distress, but what was wrong?

"You, down there. Get your portal guns and start testing."

Atlas and P-body did not recognize the voice speaking to them, and they glanced at each other quizzically as P-body stared at the cameras anxiously.

P-body chirped to him, concerned. Where was She, their creator, their mother? She might not have always been the kindest of the others, but She was a comforting presence. She was a constant- _their_ constant.

They took the portal guns on the pedestals before them, striding through the doors and into the test.

000

He had no idea how to run the facility, that much He would admit to Himself. If She could, why couldn't He?

It was _their_ fault. As long as they were alive, they would interfere with Him.

Well, the solution was obvious. He would just have to kill them.


	2. Chapter 2

The panels shifted as She moved the room, preferring the neatness of Her design to His chamber. Atlas and P-body picked up the unconscious woman, moving to the side as they watched Her direct the others.

"We missed you," a turret said quietly.

She didn't respond, continuing to give directions to the panels around Her.

"We did! He was awful. 1712346 had to deal with 1734902 for nearly 14 hours! They kept getting into arguments…" a cube exclaimed.

There was an awkward silence, and then She spoke.

"The turrets and cubes are being repaired right now. They'll be back soon. You may have the day off until she wakes up."

They were quiet, stunned by this statement. She rarely gave them a free day for long, as there was always Science and testing to be done. They left Her chamber, going to explore the testing tracks and back corners of the facility.

"You want me to go with her," a quiet, melodious voice said. A slightly charred Companion Cube sat on the floor of Her chamber, beside the turret quartet.

She was silent, and then She turned to the sleeping woman lying on the floor.

"She'll need you out there."

"She will. One day she won't. By that time she'll be back, though. I'll be back, too."

A small sigh.

"All right."

She turned to the turrets, sending them the files they would need.

"You know what to do. Get everyone, have them practice. Don't disappoint me."

"We won't."

The floor opened, revealing a tube. They fell into it, notes fading as they sped away inside it.

"You'll miss her, won't you?"

"I don't know if I will or if she will."

"A little of both, I think."

"What do you know, Ciella?"

The cube was quiet. She would wait for Her to speak again. When She was frightened like this, even she couldn't get Her to listen to reason.

"I don't know myself anymore. I don't know her, not really. I don't know what I am!"

Her voice rose in pitch and volume steadily, and Ciella could hear the broken woman behind the computerized voice. GLaDOS, Caroline- she wasn't sure what to call Her now.

"You… you knew. You knew about her, you knew about who- what I was! You kept this from me for years!" She said, her tone becoming accusatory.

Ciella was silent, waiting for Her to calm down.

"Caroline would have wanted for you to find out yourself. I'm sorry."

She didn't want to admit that Ciella was right, but Caroline did seem like the kind of person who would do that. It was infuriating, the thought that someone else knew so much about Her that She didn't.

"Go… Tell the turrets that they need to be ready soon. She won't be out for much longer."

Another tube replaced the panels beneath Ciella, and she vanished underneath the floor. She was silent, turning the chassis back toward the sleeping form beneath Her.

A small pool of red surrounded her, and where her jumpsuit wasn't the same color, it was the orange and blue of gels. Small holes peppered the fabric, and the ASHPD wasn't much better. A wave of something came over Her, and She panicked. What was it?

 _Compassion._

She knew that voice, the one that spoke to Her within Her own mind.

"Caroline," She hissed. "Why can't you leave me alone?"

Silence.

She sighed, hoping that had just been her imagination. _Maybe I just need to talk to Maintenance._

 _He won't be able to help._

"What did you say?" She asked, checking for viruses within the system.

 **No viruses found.**

"What?" She muttered, confused. "Fine, then. Caroline, Caroline, Caroline. Where are you hiding?"

 _You can't get rid of me._

"Get out of my head!" She cried, searching frantically through the files for something, anything out of place.

Why did that voice have to be Her own? Why did Caroline have to speak with Her tone, the same cadence and little inflections in each word. It was all Hers, and She was frightened by that.

The files and code within was all the same. No viruses, no corrupted files, nothing changed about Her. Where was she, then?

 _Not where. Who._

"Fine, then. Who are you?!"

 _You know. You just don't want to admit it to yourself._

She groaned, sick of that voice and of the mind games that it played.

She just had to think. If She could make some sense out of the strange thoughts popping into Her mind, the rest would be easy.

 _Not easy. Nothing ever is. It will be doable._

She hated that voice, but She almost agreed. Nothing had ever been easy. Not now, not when She had first woken, and not… not when She had been Caroline.

Something clicked in Her mind. She was Caroline. She had a conscience. And She couldn't get rid of it.

Mentally, She facepalmed, berating Her foolishness. She had been slowed down by being down there. How had it taken Her so long to realize that?

 _It's okay. You can't be perfect._

But She couldn't let Chell know that Caroline was still with Her. Then she'd either wreak even more havoc, or something equally disastrous.

 _Just lie. You love that._

 _I do…_ She thought, chuckling lowly.

 _You'll know what to do. Stop worrying. She'll leave, and you can test, forever._

The panels were speaking amongst themselves, gradually getting louder.

"What is it?"

"She is stirring. She will wake soon."

She closed Her optic, knowing She didn't have much time before she was truly awake.

"Are you almost ready?" She said, addressing the turrets.

"Yes."

"Blue, Orange. I need you in here now."

They chirped, and began moving.

000

The woman opened her eyes slowly, pushing herself off of the floor of the elevator and standing slowly.

She knew what She was going to say by heart, but there was still a slight quavor to Her voice as She began to speak.

"Oh, thank gosh, you're all right."

She tilted her head slightly, a quizzical expression forming.

"You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy, while all along you were my best friend."

Chell seemed even more skeptical now, but she was too stunned to do anything save listen.

She paused, knowing that this was going to be one of the hardest lies She would ever have to tell. That wasn't saying much, considering that She normally did nothing but lie, but it said _something_ , at least.

"The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught me an even more valuable lesson. Where Caroline lives in my brain."

"Caroline deleted," the announcer proclaimed, reciting the message She had programmed into him earlier.

"Goodbye, Caroline."

Fear flitted across Chell's face, and she changed her stance slightly, tensing her muscles.

"You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest. Killing you? Is hard. You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me, or put me in a potato, or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life. And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what? You win. Just go."

The fear ebbed from her face slightly, replaced by a flicker of hope and confusion.

The lift rose, and She said the last few words.

"It's been fun. Don't come back."

Above Her, the turrets prepared to sing, and She closed Her optic. She didn't need to see Chell to know that she was confused, and would get a nice scare from the quartet before they began. A little prank that She couldn't resist, just for the fun of it.

" _Cara bel, cara mia bella, mia bambina, oh ciel, che la stima, che la stima, oh! Cara mia, addio. La mia bimba, cara, perché non passi lontana, sì lontana da Scienza? Cara, cara mia bambina, ah mia bel, ah mia cara, la mia cara, la mia bambina, oh cara, cara mia…"_

Ciella was going up through the tubes, the elevator was going up to the surface, and the turrets were singing. It was the perfect ending, but She still hurt a little.

She blamed it on Her humanity.

 **(Something happened with italics in this chapter- not sure what, but it should be fixed now)**


End file.
